From the polytheistic pantheons of ancient Greek, Egyptian, and Nordic cultures, to the advent of modern anthropomorphism in Pokémongijinkasduring the wild early years of the Internet in the 2000s,we have mastered the art of personification, which is the act of attributing human-like personalities to just about everything we can imagine.
This begs the eternal question:can we make them hot?That answer is often yes, and our proclivity to be attracted to, or perhaps have… intimate relationships with non-human entities, can often drive us to create the strangest fantasies through various media, from wacky gijinkas like the personified and often stereotyped countries ofHetalia, toweird dating simslikeHatoful Boyfriend.
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With that said,Date Everything!has been a long-time coming;it is a culmination of the timeless Internet tradition of anthropomorphizing everything out of the desire to make them bangable.A sandbox dating sim that lets you meet and perhaps fall in love with more than a hundred household objects,this absolute blast most certainly has a type for everyone.
Before I begin gushing about this game, I must confess:Dating sims are not typically my genre—I only have a couple of hours inDream Daddy, and thevisual novel formathas never really been my cup of tea. However,I did absorb a lot of info about dating sims and visual novels through osmosis during the early 2010s Tumblr fandom erawhile I was in middle and high school.
What drew me toDate Everything!were, first and foremost, the ridiculous premise and the fact that this is the debut game ofSassy Chap Games,a lovely team founded by three of the biggest voice acting veterans in the industry: Robbie Daymond, Ray Chase, and Max Mittelman.Date Everything!is unequivocally a celebration of voice acting and nerd culture.
As of this writing, my 40+ hour playthrough remains incomplete due to a technical issue preventing the game from providing me with the option to Realize objects despite achieving an ending with almost every character and maxing out my stats. As such, I have been unable to complete my playthrough despite several attempts to resolve the matter. I am not sure if this is a technical issue other reviewers encountered or if this is unique to my playthrough, but it is rather frustrating. Thankfully, this does not ruin the main experience of this game, and my feelings about this game remain mostly unchanged. Once the issue is resolved, I’ll update this review with the appropriate information.
AI Can Kick Rocks
Let’s set the scene with a summary of the narrative and premise.
The game takes place solely within the player’s house, andyou play as a recently furloughed employee of greedy megacorporation Valdivian after the company replaces your very expendable customer service job with an AI that you’ve been unknowingly training.
That is, until a mysterious benefactor named “tinfoilhat” sends you a package containing the Dateviators,a pair of literally rose-tinted aviator glasses that let you Directly Acknowledge a Thing’s Existence (D.A.T.E.)through some scientific techno mumbo-jumbo that might require some suspension of disbelief.
Introducing Skyler, your first Dateable and your Dateviator personified; voiced by Felicia Day she’s a cheerful, bubbly, and sharply dressed pink-haired woman who is ever-so-helpful in teaching you how to date objects around your house.
After a brief tutorial section with Skyler and a handful of Dateables,you’re let loose in the overworld—your two-storey suburban house—to spice up your love life.
There is an overarching plot toDate Everything!, but compared to the deep and rich backstories and narratives of most Dateables, it isn’t that essential to the experience. Of course,you can leave the house and touch grass at any given point in the game, which gives you an achievement but ends the game prematurely.
As for the tone,Date Everything!doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s silly and wacky, and, for better or worse, is a very on-the-nose critique on the current cultural zeitgeist surroundingthe impact of generative AI on the creative industry, which reveals itself in interspersed meta moments that can be quite sobering.
There is supposedly an ending to your playthrough if you get enough character endings and realize a certain number of Dateables. However, due to the aforementioned technical issue, I cannot comment on how I feel about the ending.
A Truly SPECSial Game
Date Everything’sgameplay is extremely transparent.The tutorial leaves no stone unturned in tips and tricks, as Skyler will happily relay any gameplay tips you need to know.
This includes strategies for finding a staggering 400+ collectibles, along with the occasionalobtuse hintson how to find undiscovered Dateables through the Roomers feature.
The core gameplay loop is rather simple:you wake up every morning to talk to any Dateable you’re interested in talking to.Your Dateviator only has five charges a day, and you’re only allowed to talk to any given Dateable once a day.
You need to pay close attention to achieve the ending you want, and combined with the sheer number of characters you meet, it can get overwhelming.
I found thatthe best way to playDate Everything!is to bottleneck your attention during gameplay,focusing on five Dateables at a time before moving on to the next batch of characters.
You can achieve one of three possible relationship endings with each Dateable: Love, Friendship, and Hate.Getting on a Dateable’s good graces requires getting to know them, including saying the right thing and fulfilling their requests.
If you do everything right, then the Dateable will express romantic interest. You can choose whether to take the next step in your relationship or remain friends.
But if you are actively rude, antagonistic, or negligent towards a Dateable, then no amount of apologizing will spare you their ire. This often results ina Hate ending, where the worst that can happen is that they become resentful towards you every time you try to speak to them.
Admittedly, I’m a bit of a people-pleaser in real life, so getting a Hate ending is a bit of a personal nightmare.
With that said, the path to establishing a good relationship can be a little unclear at times, as being kind to them the old-fashioned way is not a one-size-fits-all method for achieving a friendship or love ending.
Sometimes, you may get a Hate ending for the most ridiculous reasons.I was trying to be nice and supportive to Arma, the overly sensitive smoke detector who has serious trust issues. But thanks to her “the boy who cried wolf” tendencies, I’ve pissed her off by telling her she’s overreacting, so now she hates me.
It’s hard to backtrack on all that progress you’ve made, so you just have to live with that rejection. If you think about it differently,this is a great form of rejection therapy.Thankfully,the game offers you second chancesto make amends with a character you think you’ve messed up with.
You don’t have to get everybody to love you if you don’t want to. While there are achievements in getting a single type of ending for every character, you’re not required to do so. Regardless of the ending, you’ll receive some SPECS points after you’ve finished building a relationship with any given character.
Each Dateable corresponds to a facet of your SPECS stat, and completing their individual stories rewards you with a bump in your points.
SPECS, which stand forSmarts, Poise, Empathy, Charm, and Sass, are stats that provide a sense of progression in your player character.These allow you to choose previously unavailable dialogue choices and even unlock certain features down the line.
The game tells you that you may create certain builds or prioritize gaining certain points, but if you’re like me and just want to meet and get to know every character, then SPECS are more or less irrelevant and are only a slight roadblock to achieving certain endings for a handful of characters.
In other words, while prioritizing boosting certain SPECS stats is a perfectly viable strategy, the game even tells you that you can take your time and let your stats increase naturally as you foster relationships with Dateables.
Date Everything!touts itself as a self-inserting fantasy where you are given carte blanche to role-play. Granted, dialogue is expertly written, and the choices can range from genuine to unhinged and silly.
Still, the dialoguechoices can feel somewhat railroad-y,where the writers seem to have a certain, limited vision of how you can portray the playable character.
I originally wanted to say that this is a minor nitpick, but after 30+ hours of playing, it has grown to become one of my biggest criticisms of the game. During some conversations, I felt misrepresented by the limited dialogue options.
I was forced into choosing a vegetarian option during a conversation with Mitchell Linn when I’m not even a vegetarian. Some dialogue choices don’t fully represent what is really conveyed in the conversation, like the option seems encouraging, but the tone is sarcastic in delivery.
As this only happened once in my first playthrough, keep in mind that this does not reflect the overall experience that you might have.
The player character’s dialogue options can also come off as what I would call “fandom-y,” reminiscent of the “asdfsdfgjlkfgj” writing you’d see on Tumblrand certain other corners of the Internet, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but the writing is pretty indicative of the type of target audience the developers want to appeal to. Even if you’re used to this kind of writing, it can overstay its welcome at times.
In other words, regardless of your age,Date Everything!is inextricably written with millennials and Gen-Zers in mind, especially for those who were born in the 90s and early 00s. From Internet humor and pop culture references to the dry yet endearing absurdist Gen-Z humor,Date Everything!dates itself as a contemporary game of a very specific era for better or worse.
As of the publishing of this review on June 12th, a major feature–Realization–remains inaccessible to my playthrough due to the aforementioned technical issue. Until it is resolved and I complete my playthrough, I have no comments regarding this feature.
I do not recommend playingDate Everything!on mouse and keyboard, as the movement is very clunky, and the look-sensitivity is high by default; it’s very clear thatthe game was designed to be played with a controller.
Another minor nitpick would be the dialogue pacing, as you have to manually press continue to push the dialogue forward instead of it being automatic. Like I said—super minor nitpick, but it can get a little unbearably repetitive if you have ADHD like me.
Still, aside from certain built-in bugs and glitches in the game,Date Everything!runs very smoothly and populates almost every nook and cranny with a Dateable or a hidden feature.
Everyone’s Hot!
Here we are with the main attraction: the characters.There are just about 100 Dateables characters in the base game, implying that there may be plans for future DLC characters.
From a household object to the very personification of rejection, each character has a distinct personality and backstory that can either make you laugh or feel guilty about how much you’ve taken them for granted.
Of course, because of the extent of creative freedom the developers can put into the game, they’ve even created some meta characters that break the fourth wall—though that’s all I can say—you’ll just have to discover them yourself.
Thanks to the writing and voice talent,mostDateables feel like genuine, living people with nuanced and intricate lives,while others may feel more like caricatures that are designed to be jokes, or perhaps a combination of the two.
There is at least one Dateable who is perfect for you, and they’re all"playersexual,“meaning they’ll like you regardless of your identity. The characters fall into a wide spectrum of different personalities, and everybody is hot in one way or another.
Do you like a gentle cowboy bear with a deep southern drawl? What about a tomboy, go-getter shelf, or a dainty diva piano? How about a weird grungly gremlin rat man? Or maybe you might fancy yourself a gorgeous mirror with luscious locks and a butter-smooth accent?
Date Everything!is, without a doubt, a pansexual’s dream;yes: you can date your dishware, who is voiced by Daisuke Tsuji ofGhost of Tsushimafame.
While Dolly the Dust Bunny is a lovely Southern Belle, my favorite is undoubtedly Dasha (voiced by Courteney Taylor), a lovable muscle mommy desk with a stereotypical Russian accent. She’s kind, gentle, and touch-starved, much likea certain Tiefling barbarian inBaldur’s Gate 3.I made it my mission to romance her the instant I met Dasha.
Not all of them have winning personalities, however, and some are genuinely toxic people. To revisit my criticism that dialogue can be limiting, this applies to strategies in romancing certain characters.
Some characters are walking, talking red flags, and I mean people whom I would avoid if I met them in real life.Regardless of their inner lives that might redeem them, their first impressions leave much to be desired.
Take Fantina, for example. Voiced by Mica Burton, she is your #1 (oscillating) fan who is obsessed with you to a concerning degree; achieving a love ending with her practically means enabling her stalker-ish behavior and parasocial tendencies.
If you’re trying to get friendship or love endings with everybody, roleplaying as yourself can be quite difficult.Some Dateables need you to outright enable their toxic behaviors or tread on eggshells to get them to like you,but I can see how they can be someone’s cup of tea.
Maybe some among you might be interested in being a third in Harper and Dirk’s toxic, abusive relationship. But hey, that’s your prerogative.
Regardless of your preferences, you may safely explore a relationship with them at no cost to your mental well-being.
One of the best things aboutDate Everythingis that it’s also inclusive and respectful in its representation, andwhat better time to launch an LGBTQIA+ friendly game than Pride Month?The roster of Dateables is also extremely diverse, as most of them are portrayed to resemble or be similar to their corresponding voice talent.
While on the topic of inclusion, the game also provides helpful and convenient content warnings before interacting with certain characters, which can be toggled on/off by speaking with Skyler. It’s a considerate feature for those who may be sensitive to more disturbing or unsettling subject matter, like abuse and mental health issues.
While the game’s main objective is to do what the title says, it doesn’t force you to do anything you don’t want to; the game makes everybody attractive in one way or another,butyou’re not obligated to be intimate with them to enjoyDate Everything!.
If a Dateable professes their love for you or wants to get freaky, you’re able to politely decline and remain cordial with them, so aroace folks can rest assured.
Everybody’s Here!
I’d be remiss to neglect mentioning the voice acting inDate Everything!After all, developer Sassy Chap Games was founded by Ray Chase, Robbie Daymond, and Max Mittelman, three of the most prominent figures in the voice acting industry (in fact, I got to meet Daymond and Chase at Raleigh GalaxyCon in 2024).
It’s undeniable thatDate Everything!is a celebration of the voice acting industry and its talents. After all,its main draw is the 100+ fully voiced characters,who are so unforgettable that they feel like genuine people you’ve met.
As I mentioned, the main appeal behindDate Everythingfor me has always been the voice talent. If you’re a fan of anime dubs and video game voice acting, then you’re sure to recognize at least a dozen of the talent featured in the game.
Aside from Sassy Chap Games’ founders,Date Everything!features voice talent from a variety of circles.Here are the biggest figures, to name a few.
You’ve got video game legends like Matt Mercer (Critical Role) and Troy Baker (The Last of Us), and rising stars like Neil Newbon (Baldur’s Gate 3) and Ben Starr (FF16). You also have iconic animation voice actors like Jonah Scott (Beastars), Dante Basco (Avatar: The Last Airbender), and even Steve Blum (Cowboy Bebop).
Comedic talents from different corners of the Internet also make an appearance. For my fellow Dropout TV fans, you’ll no doubt be excited to meet characters portrayed by Jacquis Neal, Erika Ishii, and Brennan Lee Mulligan, who essentially plays himself as the violently competitive board game Dateable, Parker.
I’d gush more about the dozens of names in the game’s credits, but that is most certainly a topic for another time.
Talent from different circles of the industry has come together to celebrate the amount of talent that drives the industry. Seeing so many overlapping performers in a single project is surreal, likewatching your different friend groups hanging out for the first time and then vibing with each other.
To quote a friend,Date Everything!is theSmash Ultimateof voice actors, and is perhaps the most ambitious and star-studded cast of voice actors and Internet celebrities to date.
The music is also one of the major pluses of the game. The main theme,“Everything Leads to Love,“is reminiscent of the opening of a reality show, and each Dateable even has their unique soundtrack that perfectly reflects their vibes, sampling sound effects and genres that best fit the respective object.
For example,Luke Nukem, the microwave, has a monotone theme that is reminiscent of a microwave hum,along with the occasional beeps of the button press. There’s also Phoenicia the phone, whose theme utilizes smartphone ringtones.
One thing to note while playingDate Everything!is that the sound mixing can be a little wonky at times, as the volume can dip during dialogue, leaving you to rely on the textboxes and unable to fully appreciate the voicework put into the game. Still, it’s not egregious enough to hinder the overall experience.
Creativity Unimpeded
Perhaps the best aspect ofDate Everything!is the amount of creativity and work put into character design.Most collectible artwork and 2D character sprites can be attributed toNijuukoo,the lead artist and character designer.
I’m a sucker for gijinkas and effective character designs as I enjoy creating OCs myself, andthe character designs inDate Everything!scratch an artistic itch that reminds me of the joy of sharing OC ideas with your online friend.
Most Dateables have extremely intentional designs that, in the best possible way, initially feel like Tumblr OCs created by a passionate art student, but are refined into their natural evolution after dozens of redesigns and years of experience. All of them showcase a deep understanding of the fundamentals of character design and meaningful symbolism.
There are so many standout character designs (maybe except Sinclaire and Washy), but if I were to name a few, then I would pick Dolly, Keyes, Tydus, and Dorian. I’d love to break down the design and explain why I love them, but that’s for a dedicated list for another time.
The game also makes the UI and graphics as accessible as it can be for everybody, allowing the text and textboxes to pop. The menu itself is integrated into your in-game phone, allowing you to access the game’s many features, even the hidden ones.
Because of its minimalistic 3D graphics,Date Everything!performs rather well, running at a steady 60FPS at graphical settings on an i7 and GTX2060.I’m also pretty sure the majority of the game’s 8GB size is just the recorded lines and artwork put into the game.
Admittedly, like its varied cast of Dateables,Date Everything!will not be everybody’s cup of tea—it is, after all, a mostly text-based dating sim that relies on itsslow-burn storytelling, and encourages you to take your time getting to know each character.
Date Everything!is a passion project that can best be described as an unapologetic celebration of the creative process,evident through the sheer amount of attention put into every aspect of the game. It has an ambitious, massive cast of diverse characters with zero half-assed dialogue that showcases relatable and poignant moments interspersed with wacky and meta jokes.
Closing Comments:
Date Everything!represents the best parts of the indie gaming scene and captures the zeitgeist of Internet culture.Date Everything!has a clear, vehemently anti-AI message among the rising tide of AI-generated content, showing just how much love and care are put into its creation, with a not-so-subtle anti-AI message about corporations trying to replace people with soulless machines. Despite some shortcomings and frustrating technical difficulties I may have during my playthrough, the good heavily outweighs the problems, andDate Everything!is an absolute riot and an emotional rollercoaster. It’s sincere, hilarious, and honest, and is probably one of the most enjoyable indie games I’ve ever played. As a debut game, Sassy Chap Games knocked it out of the park with this sandbox dating sim. If you appreciate the talent behind voice acting, weird dating sims, and most of all supporting indie studios, thenDate Everything!is the perfect game for you.
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